Blown Away
Today I went to Barns & Noble to drink coffee and have a 30-minute life reflection session over my lunch break. Naturally, I went to a far corner of the bookstore, away from germy kids and chatty clerks, and found a nice quad of open chairs. I put up my feet and began observing my surroundings, immersing myself in the reflecting process, letting my brain do some wandering.
And wander my filthy brain did, right over to the “Sex and Relationships” section.
Despite all of the literary greatness surrounding me, the first book my eyes stopped on was titled, “Blow him”, an adult picture book of sorts, boasting a very muscular, very seductive and reclining man, on the cover.
It amazes me that with the Internet in existence, anyone would ever need to purchase, or even flip through, an entire book dedicated to the instructions of giving a blow job while in public. I can’t for the life of me figure out who is purchasing sex manuals from Barnes & Noble. The only segment of people looking at this book in-store must be curious tweens.
You can’t blame them though.
They are in that difficult stage of life where they can’t buy sexy/embarrassing books online and in the privacy of their own homes with credit cards— a luxury adults take for granted. And, their over-protective parents probably have Internet controls set to the strength of Zeus to shield their eyes from Google-image grossness.
So how is a young (or not so young), curious mind supposed to learn about the art of blow jobbing? By reading good old fashioned books, that’s how.
E-readers be damned! Without actual paper books and their super sexy, enticing covers, I would have never spent an entire 30-minute lunch break reflecting on a book about blow jobs.
-CITIZEN CAIN
Year’s ago, when I was young and vibrant, I flashed him my boobs on my birthday. It was right before I started on SNL, and I was drinking so much tequila that I flashed him my boobs at a party at my house. The next day he called me, and he left me a message: “Hello, Maya, this is Chris Parnell. I want to say thank you very much for showing me your boobs last night. I appreciate it.” It’s probably my favorite message I’ve ever received. It was so fucking funny.
Starbucks Stalker
Angsty Girl 1: My Starbucks stalker is back.
Angsty Girl 2: By “stalker”, do you mean that guy who sometimes happens to be at the Starbucks you go to?
Angsty Girl 1: YES. That one. And he is stalking me! He’s always there, all the time, appearing out of nowhere badgering me asking, “Coffee or tea? Coffee, or tea?” And I’m like, “I’m sorry, do I know you?” And he’s all, “Yes Emily, you know me.” And then I get all creeped out, and before you know it, he’s somehow paid for my coffee, and I have to be grateful and say, “Oh gosh, thanks for the coffee! You really did not have to buy this for me. After all, I have money and I’m an independent woman, and it’s not really that chivalrous these days to FORCE a woman to accept the gift of a $2 coffee when she’d rather pay for it out of her own hard-earned, working-woman, giant-ass admin assistant salary.”
Angsty Girl 2: Totally. So, let me make sure I’m getting this straight. A man who frequents his neighborhood Starbucks, like you do, is now stalking you/incessantly offering to buy you a caffeinated beverage of your choice, even though you said you’re not interested? Meanwhile, you keep letting him pay for it, because he somehow tricks/hypnotizes you when you get to the register to pay?
Angsty Girl 1: That is precisely the situation.
Angsty Girl 2: Ugh. It’s like he just wants you to say, “Thanks for the coffee, here’s my vagina, what do you want to do to/with it?
Angsty Girl 1: I know…
Angsty Girl 2: If he were hot, would this change things?
Angsty Girl 1: Definitely.
Angsty Girls, Episode 4: Starbucks Stalker. Written by CITIZEN CAIN.
I’m a fangirl for all things SNL and I’m a sap for goodbyes. Needless to say, I’ve watched this emotionally at least 400 times in the past 24 hours. And when papa Lorne comes out, I mean, game over. Blubbering like I did to the Vitamin-C song about graduation that came out when I was a hormonal 14 year old. LIFE TRANSITIONS, SO MANY FEELINGS!
Note: Poehler is dancing like crazy at the end of this. Love these ladies and feel like we should probably have a pajama party and eat cookies in the near future.
-CITIZEN CAIN
Is it possible to have 0% sex drive, but also have 1000%??
I think, no, I know, that it is my dream to one day experience the glitz and glamor of participating in photo call at the Cannes Film Festival. I’d like especially to recreate this photo. Plaid on plaid + a tiny camera makes for a stunning portrait.
-CITIZEN CAIN
Q: What do you do when your jean button wardrobe malfunctions on a date?
A: Accept your situation and say yes to that post-dinner double scoop ice cream cone.
-CITIZEN CAIN
This boy named Jan (pronounced Yawn) who professed his love for me the day before he moved to Belgium in the 9th grade just Facebook friended me.
He’s still in Belgium!
Love love love love love.
